Lovemaps "When the satisfaction , security and development of another person become as significant to you as your own satisfaction, security and development, love exists."-Harry Stack Sullivan Long before you met your current partner you had emotionally intimate attachments with significant others. You began to piece together a picture of what sexual intimacy is supposed to be like; what you should expect from yourself and your partner. You've been developing this erotic lovemap ever since infancy. Back then you enjoyed the physical bliss in the safety and comfort of your mother's arms as you fed at her breast or the bottle. Intense physical pleasure within a loving relationship is one early model for later sexual satisfaction. The quality of intimacy you shared with your mother and other significant caretakers further formed part of your model. The safety, security and nuturing guidance your received from parents became part of your lovemap. Another influence on your lovemap were the traumatic experiences, large and small, that are part of everyone's growing up years. As a person grows, he or she feels sexual attraction according to her level of development. A well-loved and nurtured five year old girl who is relatively free of abuse or neglect can be attracted to a five year old boy and want to marry him. Similarly, a little boy may 'fall in love' with his pretty and supportive second grade teacher as he goes through the confusion and uncertainties of developing his competence. Sexual Scripts We often use an expression from the theater, "script", to describe the guide book each of us puts together for any complicated activity from such things as how to drive a car to how to make love. Such a script gives us a recipe to think, fantasize, feel and act in certain ways and has both conscious and unconscious dimensions. These scripts are based upon much more than sexual attraction. They include beliefs, attitudes and prejudices. For example, if the setting and circumstances and type of partner do not match your script's requirements for satisfying sex, chances are you will not proceed with it, or if you do, you will not have a completely satisfying experience. Your sexual script will influence what you do and how you feel. You organize these ideas and attitudes both deliberately and unconsciously and they motivate you to have sex or convince you not to. No two people have identical scripts but they don't need to. As long as there is some common ground and compatible motives, two people can enter a sexual encounter with different preconceived notions and still have pleasant and satisfying sex. Kathleen Logan-Prince, MSW, LICSW     Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist    Certified Sex Therapist Phone: (781) 647-9555 Fax: (781) 893-2075